no coffee
by cedricsowner
Summary: Diggle and Roy are sick and tired of Oliver's antics when it comes to relationships and decide to do something about it. One-Shot. Let's call it a strong T due to mild sexual references.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Arrow and intend no copyright infringement. **

_**A/N: I actually stopped writing a couple of months ago, but what can I say? The MA version of this particular plot bunny kicked me out of bed at 2.30 in the morning and for the sake of my beauty sleep I just had to do something to get it out of my head. So here's a less graphic but more humorous variation of my nocturnal visitor… **_

"New crazy girlfriend looming on the horizon for our favorite vigilante." Roy pushed the latest edition of the Starling City Daily across the lair's coffee table towards Diggle.

"Don't… Not funny at all." Sighing, Diggle reached for the paper and studied the headlines.

"I'm just saying. She fits the bill perfectly."

Unfortunately Diggle could only agree with Roy. The article described a completely-off-the-rail female burglar/bank robber/kidnapper who apparently targeted the dirtier players in the financial game but didn't seem to care terribly much about collateral damage in the form of innocent bystanders.

"We already know how this will play out", Roy continued in a rather bored voice. "The two will eventually run into each other, she tells Oliver some sappy, predictable, horrible-childhood-days story, he thinks he can change her, they hit the sheets, turns out a leopard doesn't change its spots after all, he has to kill her, we have ourselves an Arrow on a guilt trip… "

Both men screwed up their faces at the same time in a concerted NOT-AGAIN-gesture.

"If he would only open his eyes…" Diggle nodded in the direction of Felicity Smoak, busily typing something into her computer.

"Yeah, intelligent, beautiful, funny and ABSOLUTELY levelheaded girlfriend material sitting right there and he just doesn't see." Roy rolled his eyes. "As if he's wearing his hood over his eyes whenever he's around her."

"The hood we could pull off… but unfortunately his problems run deeper… and hers too… If she was only a little more forward…" Diggle shuddered. "Why are we even contemplating this? We sound like one of those early afternoon pseudo psycho talk shows…"

"Because if these two would finally act on what I'm sure they both secretly want we'd have a truckload of problems less…" Roy fell silent.

"Don't like that face. You're hatching something…"

Roy started chuckling. "Yeah. And I'm going to need your help to pull it off."

Diggle put his coffee cup down with a distinct thump. "NO."

"I swear it doesn't involve stealing anything."

Now it was Diggle's turn to roll his eyes.

"Just a bit of adjusting the truth…"

Diggle groaned.

... ... ...

"What do you mean, some thugs did a test run of a new designer drug in my favorite coffee shop? I've only just been there!" Felicity's eyes grew huge behind her glasses. "You said they caught them? But there was nothing on the news!"

"The news!" Roy chuckled. "The powers-that-be keep it under wraps of course, but it's true. Just ask Diggle. He's just been to the hospital, he's seen the ER full of people…"

Diggle nodded gravely.

"But I'm feeling fine… Maybe they didn't put anything into my particular coffee…" Felicity used a spoon on the table to check the reflection of her face. Slight panic was turning her cheeks rosy red, just like Diggle and Roy had calculated.

"One of the first symptoms are flushed cheeks", Diggle said in as much austerity as he could muster, silently still wondering what the hell had made him agree with this.

"Then there's a tingling in your feet…", Roy continued. "Starts almost unnoticeably, but steadily grows in intensity…"

Felicity's eyes widened even more. "But the coffee tasted completely normal…granted, there was a bit of an aftertaste, but I attributed it to the caramel syrup, was the first time I tried a Latte Caramel…"

She started rubbing her feet together. Oh, this was working perfectly. The power of suggestion.

"It moves on to the fingers…"

Diggle really felt sorry for Felicity as she started balling her hands into fists and then opening them again in quick succession. The rapidity with which she was picking up the symptoms just because they told her about them showed how deeply she trusted them.

It was not nice, abusing her faith in them like that. But on the other hand… if Roy's plan succeeded…

"The next step is a violent shivering attack…"

Felicity excused herself. She retreated to another corner of the lair, one where they had put up a couch… A few moments she bravely walked up and down, fighting what her body was apparently telling her, then she caved in and curled herself up between the cushions. Roy brought her a blanket and helpfully informed her about some more severe side effects of the drug.

Her terrified gasp wrenched Diggle's heart.

... ... ...

"Say that again." Oliver was horrified. "A new drug with massive side effects? Secretly tested on coffee shop customers? We've got to get Felicity to a hospital!"

"No use", Diggle replied. "The hospital is stuffed with patients and they can't help them. Looks like she'll have to go through the whole 24 hours of horror trip, till the stuff is out of her system again… poor girl. But well, she's shown astonishing endurance before…"

"There must be something we can do!" Oliver was outraged. Physical enemies like Slade, the Count, Malcolm Merlyn, they were terrifying at times, but he could fight them. He couldn't fight a drug… The mere thought that something had infested her system… was causing her pain… "There has to be some antidote, some sort of relief…"

"Oliver…" Roy really had to fight hard to keep a straight face, but thankfully his friend was way too worried and distressed to notice his internal struggle. "It's a drug designed to instigate massive sexual desire in women… what do you think would provide relief to Felicity?"

As realization dawned on him, Oliver's face turned about as green as his hood.

"It's either that or 24 hours of sheer hell… ten times worse than Vertigo withdrawal", Diggle added, inwardly shaking his head. This was such a BS ploy… but both Felicity and Oliver ate it up immediately… this was not only a display of the level of trust they put into Roy and himself… the idea that they could be lying was not even an option... this also showed how deeply Oliver cared for Felicity. The idea of her suffering and being in pain completely put his usually keen sense for foul play on the frizz.

... ... ...

Felicity was writhing in vague, hard to pinpoint nausea, radiating (She hadn't known nausea could actually do that. Great, she was really learning a new thing every day.) from her abdomen into her limbs. Seething hot and freezing cold shivers were alternately running down her spine. She was bathed in sweat. Her heart was galloping like a Grand National Steeplechase participant. Breathing was a burden.

"Felicity…"

The blood was rushing so loud in her ears, she hadn't even heard Oliver coming.

All she managed in reply was a strained groan.

"Diggle and Roy have briefed me. I'm so sorry…"

"S'okay", she croaked. "It's nothing lethal… Diggle said the symptoms will last 24 hours max… I'll make it." A severe cramp seemed to shrink her stomach to a third of its usual size, making her momentarily curl up even more before her spine sent another bitterly cold wave of electric sparks and she was stretched in the other direction.

"Diggle and Roy… they … uh… made a suggestion…" In an utterly helpless gesture Oliver placed his hand on her shivering abdomen.

Her stomach area was completely covered by the blouse she was wearing, but nevertheless the warmth of his calloused palm seemed to seep right through the cloth, spread through her skin and loosened whatever horribly tight knot had tied itself in there. The feeling of relief came so suddenly and so completely, Felicity released a contend mmmm-sound she wouldn't have thought of being capable of only moments earlier. Jeez, if even his mere touch diminished the symptoms so significantly, what would…

_They…uh…made a suggestion… _

Her eyes locked with Oliver's. They both stared at each other for a long moment filled with very deafening silence.

"Diggle said…", she finally began.

"I know, they told me the same… Is this really helping you…?" He gently massaged her abdomen in soft circles. To his utter horror Oliver realized that somewhere in the back of his mind he was hoping that she'd say yes for reasons that had nothing to do with wanting to spare her pain and suffering. He immediately chided himself for even dimly thinking in this direction. How could he!

Felicity, on the other hand, suddenly realized that this could be _it_. Her chance to finally… but the symptoms were subsiding rapidly… the cramps had already vanished, her heart rate felt a lot more normal… if she waited another two minutes…

"YES!", she all but shouted and pulled Oliver into a kiss so fierce, they both lost balance. She rolled off the sofa, knocked him off his feet and they both landed on the floor.

"I… I can't stand the pain anymore…", she stuttered. "Really… it's too much… We've got to… immediately… I don't think I can stand another minute…"

Oliver looked at her, saw the familiar blush on her cheeks that always appeared when she said something that came out wrong… noticed the return of the radiant light in her eyes… she was doing better…

Damn.

Felicity still had her eyes trained on him. "Ouch?", she whispered.

Oh what the hell…

"Then we shouldn't waste any time…" He returned the kiss.

"Time for us to go", Roy told Diggle as they watched the two from afar. "Drink?"

"Yeah, but no coffee."


End file.
